Teen Dating Rules

Nearly 9 out of 10 teens surveyed agree that it would be much easier to postpone sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents.

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With one click, teens can move in and out of relationships on Facebook.

If only it were that simple in real life.

Teenage pregnancy. Dating violence. Abuse. These are the words that come to mind when you’re a parent of a pre-teen or teenager.

It’s best to have already had a conversation with your child about dating before that scary world has been entered, experts say.

In other words, if you’re finding out about your teen’s relationship status on Facebook and nowhere else, that could be a problem.

“The most important protection factor is to build a healthy relationship with your child, spend time with them, show interest, affection and praise,” says Tracy Emsun, a social worker and health educator for the Family Life Education program at the Lake County Health Department. “Those kind of things build strong relationships so that kids feel more comfortable about asking their parents about these difficult topics.”

There are no steadfast rules when it comes to picking an age at which a child should or should not be allowed to date.

It really depends on the individual, professionals say.

“Every kid matures and develops at a different age,” says Greta Nielsen, a mental health counselor for Arbor Counseling Center, which has offices in Gurnee, Crystal Lake, Buffalo Grove and Hoffman Estates.

“It’s not a hard and fast rule, like at 16, you can drive. At 18, you can see an ‘R’ movie,” Nielsen says.

It also depends on how much trust you have in your child, how well they’re doing in school, how they’re doing socially and how much they communicate with you, she says.

“My standard guideline for parents to try to follow is to always let it start slowly, allowing more freedom and responsibility as we see how you respond to it,” she says.

Above all, experts say, communication between all involved is key.

“Think about it as an 18-year conversation,” Emsun says. “As they get older, you’ll be giving them more information.”

Talk to teens when you’re driving, cooking or walking, she says, as opposed to sitting them down and forcing them to have an eye-to-eye conversation.

While watching a movie or television show together, talk about healthy and non-healthy relationships and what they’re hearing in the media.

Use humor to make it more comfortable, Emsun suggests.

Make sure teens know the family’s values, and then give them the rules. Have them start dating in groups and keep the age difference between partners to a minimum.

“You really want them to be able to feel they can come to you,” Emsun says.

“Knowing your kids’ friends and their parents is helpful ... . You definitely want to be open, but also have limits about curfews, knowing where they’re at and where they’re going.”

Know whether the parents of the person your teen is dating allows the two of them to spend time alone in a house or in a bedroom with a closed door, Nielsen says.

“Make sure everyone’s on the same page,” she says

Through the Family Life Education program, teens are taught about healthy relationships. They’re asked to put all of the things in their lives – friends, families, activities, sports, future plans, school, church – in boxes.

“If you’re in a relationship and it ends, what do you have? You have all these other things,” Emsun says.

“Sometimes, what people do is make a dating partner their whole life,” she says. “They give up on activities and friendships that are important to them. That can lead them to more risky behavior.”

Talk to teens about what to do when they’re feeling uncomfortable, experts say. Make sure they know they can call at any time.

“Kids are not going to self-monitor,” Nielsen says. “They are not going to be able to go, ‘This is not OK. I’m uncomfortable here.’ They can say, ‘Mom won’t let me.’ Or, ‘My parents won’t think that’s OK.’ Kids get into situations they won’t have control over. Try to say, ‘I will be your boundaries until you can create them yourself.’”

House Rules*

• Encourage supervised group activities. Know and support the groups your teen participates in.

• Set an age for dating. Be clear that there will be no dating before this age.

• Make it clear that your teen will not date anyone who is more than two years older or younger than he or she.

• Make sure that your teen is not spending a lot of time in unsupervised situations. Sports, tutoring and even after-school jobs are positive ways to ensure that your teen is safe and productive during the after-school hours.

• Tell your teen that it is against the rules to entertain a boyfriend or girlfriend in personal spaces like bedrooms. “First sex” often happens at home in an unsupervised area of the house.

• Set clear guidelines for your teen’s outing. Where will you be? Who will you be with? When will you be home? How can I reach you?

• No alcohol. No drugs. No tobacco.

• Be available to pick up your teen if he or she calls in an uncomfortable or threatening environment or situation.

• Set rules for what your teen son or daughter can listen to, read and watch. Consider keeping the TV and computer in a public area of the home so you will know what your teen is watching.

• Be available to talk with your teen daily. Good communication supports good decisions.

* Source: “Parents, Speak Up! A Guide for Discussing Relationships and Waiting to Have Sex,” U.S. Department of Health & Human Services

RESOURCES

Recommended by Tracy Emsun, a social worker and health educator for the Family Life Education program at Lake County Health Department:
• “Conversations on the Go: Clever Questions to Keep Teens and Grown-ups Talking,” by Mary Ackerman
• “What Kids Need to Succeed: Practical Ways to Raise Good Kids,” by Peter Benson, Judy Galbraith and Pamela Espeland
• “150 Ways to Show Kids You Care,” by The Search Institute